Angel
4/6/2020
You are my first born. You are the one I got to go through every “first” with. This year was going to be full of firsts for both of us…..and that was cut short in the most confusing, scary, and frustrating way. I spent months telling you that this would be your BEST year yet, and that you were going to have so much fun. Now that all feels like the worst lie I’ve ever uttered, and I am so sorry. I have started to accept that nothing I do or say will make any of this better, but damnit I have to keep trying. I don’t know when this will end, and that is just as scary right now. I am stuck between wanting all of those experiences to still happen for you, and wanting to hide our family from the danger of it all. My chest tightens every time I see that look of worn out sadness on your face, at the anger I know you are hiding. Oh my son, I wish you could just let it all out. I’ve probably cried more than enough tears for both of us, at this point, but you are absolutely allowed to do the same.
I had just found out I was pregnant with you when 9/11 happened, and I cried then, not knowing what kind of world you would be born into. That passed, and we moved forward. Now, as you are getting ready to become an adult, I am faced with the same uncertainty, and I can only hope that this too will pass and we can move forward once again. It will. It has to. I truly hope you look back on this time, and remember how much you are loved, and how much we were hurting with you. Your fathers and I are so very proud of who you are, and who you are becoming. I have seen you grow into a man, before I was ready for it. There is nothing that you can’t overcome, and nothing that you can’t accomplish. Of this, I am certain. Always remember that your mom has your back…….forever.
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